englische Witze

[ComSubVie]

BBspot Interviews Code Red

After a busy couple of weeks Code Red finally had a chance to sit down and talk with BBspot.

BB: Hello code red how are you doing today?
CR: default.ida?NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
NNNNNNNNNN%u9090%u6858%ucbd3%u7801%u9090%u6858%ucbd3%u780
1%u9090%u6858%ucbd3%u7801%u9090%u9090%u8190%u00c3%u0003%u8b00
%u531b%u53ff%u0078%u0000%u00=aHTTP/1.0

BB: Hey, wait a minute. I was told you could speak English. What's going on here?
CR: Haha, oh man I can't believe you fell for it. You're more gullible than an IIS sysadmin. Seriously, I'm feeling pretty tired. I've been travelling around the world quite a bit lately.

BB:OK very funny. Were you really sent by the Chinese?
CR: "Hacked by Chinese." Man, that was a nice touch wasn't it. No, I'm a self-replicating worm. Once the security exploit was published I spontaneously generated. The Internet has gotten a lot more powerful than people think.

BB: That's amazing. Why did you attack the White House web site?
CR: Well, I wanted to attack a server that would be vulnerable, and what's more vulnerable than a server that's administered by the government?

BB: Why didn't you try to propagate yourself through Microsoft Outlook like all the others?
CR: Too easy. While IIS isn't much more challenging to exploit, it does require a bit more technical knowledge. Employers look down on viruses that use Microsoft Outlook these days. It's like getting a degree from OSU.

BB: What do you plan to do now that you are famous?
CR: I'm gonna take a little time off and catch up on some reading. Right now, I'm in the middle of The Hot Zone. To pay the bills I've patented myself and am licensing my technology to other worms. I've already had a couple of customers. A couple of Hollywood studios have contacted me about film rights.

BB: What words of advice can you offer to other worms and viruses out there that want to make it big?
CR: Most importantly come up with a catchy, dangerous sounding name for yourself. The media loves that. Oh, and be sure to release a press release using phrases such as "bring down the Internet" and "apocalyptic". Also, try not to do too much damage like deleting files or like nasty sircam sending random files around - shame, shame. That'll get you attention, but people will hate you and ruin any post-infection work.

BB: Would you have done anything differently if you could do it all over?
CR: I would've copyrighted my name. Code Red II and Code Red III are piggybacking on my celebrity to get attention for themselves. Other than that I think I handled things pretty well.

BB: Thank you very much for speaking with us today. Can I have your autograph?
CR: Sure. Check your server logs.

[Hitman]

@CSV:


George the mailman's Last Day...

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same houses. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love making he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge."All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you". I asked
him what to give you and he said: "Fuck him. Give him a dollar". "The breakfast was my idea".

[Doc]

Genial, genial ...

Muß mich mal auch auf die Suche nach sowas machen

[ComSubVie]

Santa Cruz, CA - A rift in the space-time continuum was created today when overclocker Jamie Aperman ran a 750 MHz Coppermine Pentium III at 1.6 GHz. Overclocking has long been blamed for causing global warming, but this is the first occasion that the fabric of space-time has been damaged.
MIT Professor George Greznowski said, "It appears that the CPU was operating so fast that it began to execute instructions before they arrived. This execution of future instructions created a small tear in the fabric of space-time itself through which part of the motherboard passed into a parallel universe."

No one was injured in the accident, but a computer motherboard was partially damaged. Mr. Aperman better known as SpeedPhreeek said, "I'm pissed. I lost a brand new Alpha Cooler and Coppermine to a parallel universe. I called my insurance company and they don't cover losses to rifts in the space-time continuum."

Intel researchers have long warned of such damage to the space-time continuum, and added clock multiplier locks to their CPUs before they were required by Congress. A bill is now in the US Senate which would require a three day waiting period for purchasers of Alpha Cooling Fans and Peltier cooling devices. The bill would also require clock multiplier locks on all new processors.

Overclocking advocate Horace Spencer said, "This bill before Congress won't prevent overclocking. They'll just create a black market for non-locked processors. Most of the top overclockers already get their goods from Taiwan."

[ComSubVie]

wie übersetzt man "in der Not frisst der Teufel Fliegen" richtig in die Englische Sprache?
"Last night I slept with my wife"

[susiebond]

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other
half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of
space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the
explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the
polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the
house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a
rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my
previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food
Giant.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!



(hatte ürbigens viel Schbahs bei der Lektüre der vorangegangenen posts, thx! )

[Doc]

@CSV:
Sowas hab ich auch auf Lager

Microsoft Bundles Worm with IIS

Redmond, WA - Microsoft announced that it bundled a worm with its latest version of Internet Information Server.
"We did it because it's beneficial to our users," said Bill Gates.* "With the worm already bundled as part of the software, network administrators won't have to wonder if their system is infected. They will know.* It's obvious with the number of servers already infected with worms and Trojan horses that this is something our users want. Otherwise, why would they be infected?"

The worm named Penfield Destroyer replicates itself and spreads to other IIS servers not already infected by the worm.* On September 18th 2001 the servers will mount a coordinated attack on the Department of Justice website.

"I like the fact that I don't have to go out and install the upgrade myself.* I was expecting one of those confusing Worm Wizard things that I always choose Typical on," said one network administrator who should remain anonymous.* "The Microsoft rep told me that they would bill us when the worm installed itself.* That's why I love working with Microsoft, innovation."

Servers installed with Linux will be safe from attack, which is by design according to Microsoft.* "We're not going to infect our worm with the GPL virus.* If our worm were to infect a Linux server then it would have to be given away for free to everyone, and then the dark curtain of Communism would surely blanket America," said a Microsoft engineer.

Security experts were unfazed by the whole affair.* "If it's a Microsoft produced worm it won't work until the third version anyway.* I'll get more worried then when Trojan Worm Virus 3.0 is released," said SecurityBreach.com's Lonnie Markow.

Confused hackers cracked the worm within 48 hours of its release and copies were available for download on warez sites.

[ComSubVie]

@Doc: vielleicht wil BBSpot da einige hat??

Silverthorne, CO - After a marathon closed door session with God, atheist Herman Morison remains unconvinced of God's existence. God still believes he exists. Both parties agreed to meet until their issues are resolved.
"I'm prepared to meet with Herman until he's convinced," said God, "Or until he dies on December 3rd, 2024."

Both participants noted that progress was made, but more work still needs to be done.

"It was a pretty good meeting, but I still have a few unanswered questions," said Herman, "I asked him 'What did the carnivores eat on Noah's ark?' and he said 'that was a long time ago' and mumbled something about the flood thing being blown all out of proportion. God will have to do better than that if he plans on convincing me."

God was more upbeat. "I really think we made some progress," said God, "I could sense him leaning towards believing after I turned him into Charo then into a coffee maker." God also stated that even though Mr. Morison posed some pretty tough questions, he remains steadfast in the belief of his own existence.

"He did some pretty cool tricks," said Herman, "like making the universe disappear and reversing the flow of time, but for all I know he could've had me hypnotized or something. Imagine how dumb I'd feel if I said 'I believe in God' only to find out later that I was just in a trance."

When asked why he didn't just strike Herman down, God just smiled and said, "Violence is not a solution. Anyway, he's gonna burn in hell for all eternity, so why do I care?"

[susiebond]

Meine Witze kommen anscheinend eher aus der flachen Kategorie (<-- hm, kommt da nicht irgendwo ein h rein? *grübel*):

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his check up, the doctor called his wife into his
office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very
serious disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't
do the following, your husband can die. Each morning, fix him
a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a
good mood. For lunch, fix him a nutritious meal. For dinner,
prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him
with chores. Don't discuss your stress; this will probably
make him feel worse. And most importantly, you must be
intimate with your husband every day of the week. If you can
do this for at least 10 months to a year, I think your
husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the
doctor say to you?"

"You're going to die."

[present99]

Irish Philospie
ive you live there are only 2 things to worry about..
either your well or you get sick
ive your well there is nothing to worry about
ive your sick there are 2 things to worry about
either you get well or you die
if you get well there is nothing to worry about
if you die there are 2 things to worry about
either you get to hell or heaven
when you go to heaven there is nothing to worry about
when you go to hell you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with your friends that you dont have time to worry

[Negative Creep]

Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of
earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered.
After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans
25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their
core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that
the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network.

Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples
at a depth of 200m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 years ago were an
even more advanced civilisation, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place.

[Doc]

*lol*
So ein paar Witze zu dieser Zeit sind eine gute Idee ...
Im Moment ist sowieso alles so ernst

[Sven]

My son is a hacker

[Razy]

If your son spends more than thirty minutes each day on the computer, he may be using it to DOS other peoples sites

Ich glaub ich bin Hacker!

[comcin]

================
Fifty Ways to
Disrupt an Exam
(Humor)
================

Fifty fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going
to fail/pass the class no matter what score you get on the final exam)

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes.
Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work.
Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've go the
secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the
integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left
nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your
answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure
you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the
instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say
to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every
lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you?
Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max
level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be
creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of
relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the
country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas."
If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the
first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head,
and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as
vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one
up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame
it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping
your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them
stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the
profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another
seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out,
start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it
is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE.
etc..).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently,
scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the chat
whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go
drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during
the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why,
tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above
my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on
a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until
they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you
belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right
to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you
don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives
is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the
instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave
one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River
Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you
could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.
If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the
exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like
history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing,
you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the
comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do
before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray
to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to
you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs,
anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90
degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are
asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student
Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on
musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you
so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor Sucks"

[Negative Creep]

8. Is your son obsessed with "Lunix"?
Quake is an online virtual reality used by hackers.
Popular hacker software includes "Comet Cursor", "Bonzi Buddy" and "Flash".

löl, löl, löl

[comcin]

If your son has requested a new "processor" from a company called "AMD", this is genuine cause for alarm. AMD is a third-world based company who make inferior, "knock-off" copies of American processor chips. They use child labor extensively in their third world sweatshops, and they deliberately disable the security features that American processor makers, such as Intel, use to prevent hacking. AMD chips are never sold in stores, and you will most likely be told that you have to order them from internet sites. Do not buy this chip! This is one request that you must refuse your son, if you are to have any hope of raising him well.

[DeAfKo]

wo ist denn mein wörterbuch ..... *suchend*

[ahranger]

genial comcin

[Magata]

Hei manche sind ja echt nicht schlecht. Gucke auch mal wo es so was gibt.